Sunday, April 19, 2009

Day 2!

Day 2: Love is kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.—Ephesians 4:32


In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Well today went well overall. What I did for him wasn't something material. It was more of the "unexpected gesture," though I'm not sure he realized it. I was supposed to work double duties today, the first one being training Mandi. The second was to help him. Well our Manager called and told me I should be with her more to make sure all was well. He didn't know it, and got upset when I didn't go back out with him. He got an attitude, but instead of me having a smart remark, I went and told him the situation and that I was sorry I couldn't be with him. His mood immediately changed, and that showed me how much this is working already. Though I don't think he realized my "gesture" it was still something definitely unexpected as I was usually retaliate in some sort. We didn't argue today, though I got sort of nippy when we got to his Dad's to pick up the girls because it was late and we needed to be home, and I was in a hurry. I let it go, and told myself it wasn't his fault and that was the end of that. I really enjoyed today with him, even though we were working! That is something I haven't been able to say in a long time!

On the rest of the day:
Mandi and I had a talk. My first talk since this situation. She told me she did say the things I heard, but didn't mean them in the way I interpreted them. When she said "I don't care if he's married" it was meant in the way that she didn't care that he was married, she just thought he was good looking. When I heard that I interpreted as her not caring about his relationship with me, and disregarding it. Though I cannot ever know the truth I feel more comfortable with her as a person, even if I'm not completely comfortable with them talking right now. I went to work with the attitude of being forgiving and it worked for me today!

Praise the Lord!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Day 2: Challenge 1

Day 1: Love is patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.—Ephesians 4:2 NIV

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

Well, I can honestly say today was pretty well but I slipped up once. It was when I was totally upset because we we're actually off on a Saturday together and we were supposed to get up, Mya was going to church with my Grandma....we were taking the other 2 girls to a restaurant over here that has a killer Breakfast Buffet. Well, he wouldn't get up, so we couldn't make it to the buffet. We ended up deciding on Denny's...and I got all the girls ready and myself and he still wasn't ready at almost 11:00. I was so mad because we were supposed to pick Mya up from church and have a picnic lunch at a local park. By 11:00 it was pointless to try to picnic when we were just eating breakfast. So I got mad. Told him exactly what was going through my head instead of biting my tongue. I felt really bad and thought for a little while and apologized. I told him I was sorry for getting so upset with him, but this was something that was important to me, considering we don't get to do much as a family. He understood and accepted my apology, which made me feel like it was totally worth it. I usually have too much pride to just apologize like I'm the only one wrong, but today it was different. I knew if I didn't, it would continue and I had decided I just wanted to make the best of the day we had left. So Mya ate lunch at church, and we ended up at the park at 5:00 pm. They played and had fun, and when we got home, Mya said "Mommy, I'm glad we're home, I'm tired!" So I knew everything had worked out just how God had planned. They ate dinner and went to bed peacefully. It was a nice end to a not so perfect day. I'm moving on to the next exercise tomorrow, just because I know I realized my mistake today and tried to correct it. Hopefully I can continue with this with peace in my heart and my marriage on my mind. Happy thoughts to tomorrow when I work with Mandi. I will be a happy, forgivable person and try my best to cherish my marriage!

Until tomorrow....

Friday, April 17, 2009

Love Dare. Day 1.

Day 1: Love is patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
—Ephesians 4:2 NIV

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

I can honestly say I think today went well. However he was very sweet, and didn't give me much of anything to practice this exercise on. We didn't argue or fight and we weren't nippy with each other so I can't say I had a chance to use this today. I think I will repeat it tomorrow, just to be sure I understand it to it's extent. He obviously doesn't know I'm doing this and I think he will be fairly surprised tomorrow, because work is where we usually snap at each other. I'm going to try my hardest to reply with kind, non judgmental words. Sunday will be the real test because Mandi is working. For those who don't know, I can't stand her. She chose to disrespect our relationship and publicly flaunt it. Though I was assured by numerous people that he didn't do anything wrong, it's hard for me to look at her and act civil knowing what kind of person she is and what she said and did. I think this excercise will be one of the hardest for me to complete successfully, but I know I can do it. I think the challenge will be continuing to do it, not for a day or two, but forever. I guess if I make it routine, won't be as hard eventually. I'm starting to realize this is more about changing me, my responses, and my views on us as a couple. I can only change myself, I can't change him, but hopefully by bettering myself I can encourage him to do the same.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Lord, please

I really need your help right now. I need to know you love me. I need to feel love. I need to know it's there. That's it's still alive. I really need help. I want to feel your presence in my life. I need to know you're there and you still love me. I don't know what to think. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really need help. I need your help. I want to feel right but I know I'm not. I want him to know I love him but I don't know how to show it when I'm so mad. But I really want to. Please give me the strength and the peace to show him. Please. Please help me in not being so angry and upset and livid. Help me in this, please. I want my life back. I want him back. I want his love back and I just don't know how to get it anymore. I don't know what to do to make him happy and You happy. I need my life back. I need my life back with him in it. I don't know why he thinks I don't love him. We fight, but I love him. Please show me how to show him. Please give me the peace and calmness to act like it. Please help me to be peaceful and grateful. Please guide me. Show me what you want, Lord. I'm so lost right now. It's such a hard time for me. I pray for you to guide me and put me on the right path. He's making fun of me for crying right now, and I need you to show me it's not out of meanness. Please help me. Please. Please. I don't know what to do or how to act. If I act hurt he mimics me. If I act mad he gets madder. I want to cry but he mocks me. Please help me feel loved, Lord. I need your love. I need peace. I need him to love me. What do I do? I know this isn't how it's supposed to be. I can't tell him how he's hurt me before or he gets defensive and hates me for bringing up the past. But I can't keep it all inside. I can't handle not talking to someone. Lead me to the right person to talk. Please lead me in the right direction. I know you're the only one that can help me right now. I feel so alone, though I know You're here with me. I know you feel my pain as I feel it. He just told me that if I was writing him not to waste my breath or strength. Does he really mean that? How can you say that to someone you love? He told me all I was, was a good "fuck?" How can you marry a good "fuck?" Is that all I am to him? Please show me. I can't live like this. I can't hurt like this anymore. Please guide me, Lord. Show me where to go and what to do and if what he is saying is true. It hurts so bad to hear him say things like that. I don't want to hurt anymore. I suppose it's all a lesson, though. A lesson in Your plan for me. But I pray you show me how to get through this. How to heal from this and make my marriage right, even when he doesn't want to. I try to say I'm sorry...but I don't know if I really am when he's hurt me. He's hurt me so many times. Why can't he just do right? Why can't he just love me? Why can't he believe I love him? Am I that bad? Am I that bad of a wife? I really try hard. I try to make him happy and I can't. He tells my kids how bad I am and I try my best. For him and my children. I really try. I'm not perfect. But I try. I try to forgive but how can I leave it behind when it's happened so many times? How do you feel loved when the person you love the most betrays you as a person? Betrays your love and trust? I'm so scared. He just told me to stay away from him at work. All we were is co-workers. Please show me if this is how he really feels or if he is really just mad. I need your guidance right now, so bad. Please, Lord. I'm so hurt. He says I'm fake. How does he not know I love him with all we've been through? How else can I show him that I really care???? Please show me, Lord. I can follow your Will, just guide me and show me. Point me in the right direction and I will follow. I really love him. I really do. I promise I do. How can I make him love me back, the same way? I can't, can I? I can't force him. I can't make him feel how I do. I don't want to lose this. I don't know how to live without him. He's been here for so long. He's been my best friend and my worst enemy. I really want to show him I can do better, but this can't be all my fault. I need help. Please help me. He's mocking me again. Please help me, Lord. I'm not selfish and fake. A fake person doesn't cry their heart out and beg. I don't know what to do, anymore. I was going to try the "love dare" tomorrow, but is it worth it? Will he love me when it's over? I'm crying so hard I can't breathe and he's mocking my breaths right now. Please help me through this. He says he doesn't care what I have to say. I fucked it up. This night. I'm done. It CAN'T be done?! He just told me "fuck you and everything that has to do with you." I'm not even responding. I can't respond with nice words, so I can't say anything right now. He's just came and read over my shoulder and told me "so be it, I'm done." So I'm done. He doesn't care about me anymore. He never will again. Please, Lord, guide me. I will do anything you point me to. I will do anything to save this. I'm still trying the Love Dare tomorrow. He doesn't believe in you the way I do and I try to make him and I can't. Please help ME guide him to YOU. I know his life won't be complete without YOU. I've been trying to talk him into praying and going to church and he doesn't want to. I don't want to leave him, but I can't lead my life without You. Please guide me, Lord. Bring me in the right direction and I will follow. Bring peace to me at this hurtful moment in my life, and help me show my husband how much I truly do love him. Even when he doesn't think it.

In Jesus Name,

The Day Before I Start...

So, tomorrow this all starts and he doesn't have any idea. We had a serious heart to heart last night and decided that if things don't change...we have to let go. It's something neither of us want, but it's pure fact right now. We can't continue to live this way. Fight this way. We don't get along and we don't even talk. I can't handle that. So this is my last resort. I'm letting my heart guide me and doing something I think God would approve of and want me to do. I love my husband, so I must.

Tomorrow I must treat him with respect and not lash out in anger. I must hold my tongue when I'm upset and respond with kind words. I'm not allowed to voice anything negative at all.

I know this will be hard, because I'm definitely not one to keep my mouth closed. But I can see how it would work, so I am trying.

In all actuality I'm terrified it won't work. More than that, I'm terrified it won't work because of me. It has to work, though. Really....there can't be another option. We love each other too much, we just need to find each other again. Just by reading this book, and other's experiences, I know it will work to God's will, and I guess in all reality, that's all I'm asking for.