Thursday, April 16, 2009

Lord, please

I really need your help right now. I need to know you love me. I need to feel love. I need to know it's there. That's it's still alive. I really need help. I want to feel your presence in my life. I need to know you're there and you still love me. I don't know what to think. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really need help. I need your help. I want to feel right but I know I'm not. I want him to know I love him but I don't know how to show it when I'm so mad. But I really want to. Please give me the strength and the peace to show him. Please. Please help me in not being so angry and upset and livid. Help me in this, please. I want my life back. I want him back. I want his love back and I just don't know how to get it anymore. I don't know what to do to make him happy and You happy. I need my life back. I need my life back with him in it. I don't know why he thinks I don't love him. We fight, but I love him. Please show me how to show him. Please give me the peace and calmness to act like it. Please help me to be peaceful and grateful. Please guide me. Show me what you want, Lord. I'm so lost right now. It's such a hard time for me. I pray for you to guide me and put me on the right path. He's making fun of me for crying right now, and I need you to show me it's not out of meanness. Please help me. Please. Please. I don't know what to do or how to act. If I act hurt he mimics me. If I act mad he gets madder. I want to cry but he mocks me. Please help me feel loved, Lord. I need your love. I need peace. I need him to love me. What do I do? I know this isn't how it's supposed to be. I can't tell him how he's hurt me before or he gets defensive and hates me for bringing up the past. But I can't keep it all inside. I can't handle not talking to someone. Lead me to the right person to talk. Please lead me in the right direction. I know you're the only one that can help me right now. I feel so alone, though I know You're here with me. I know you feel my pain as I feel it. He just told me that if I was writing him not to waste my breath or strength. Does he really mean that? How can you say that to someone you love? He told me all I was, was a good "fuck?" How can you marry a good "fuck?" Is that all I am to him? Please show me. I can't live like this. I can't hurt like this anymore. Please guide me, Lord. Show me where to go and what to do and if what he is saying is true. It hurts so bad to hear him say things like that. I don't want to hurt anymore. I suppose it's all a lesson, though. A lesson in Your plan for me. But I pray you show me how to get through this. How to heal from this and make my marriage right, even when he doesn't want to. I try to say I'm sorry...but I don't know if I really am when he's hurt me. He's hurt me so many times. Why can't he just do right? Why can't he just love me? Why can't he believe I love him? Am I that bad? Am I that bad of a wife? I really try hard. I try to make him happy and I can't. He tells my kids how bad I am and I try my best. For him and my children. I really try. I'm not perfect. But I try. I try to forgive but how can I leave it behind when it's happened so many times? How do you feel loved when the person you love the most betrays you as a person? Betrays your love and trust? I'm so scared. He just told me to stay away from him at work. All we were is co-workers. Please show me if this is how he really feels or if he is really just mad. I need your guidance right now, so bad. Please, Lord. I'm so hurt. He says I'm fake. How does he not know I love him with all we've been through? How else can I show him that I really care???? Please show me, Lord. I can follow your Will, just guide me and show me. Point me in the right direction and I will follow. I really love him. I really do. I promise I do. How can I make him love me back, the same way? I can't, can I? I can't force him. I can't make him feel how I do. I don't want to lose this. I don't know how to live without him. He's been here for so long. He's been my best friend and my worst enemy. I really want to show him I can do better, but this can't be all my fault. I need help. Please help me. He's mocking me again. Please help me, Lord. I'm not selfish and fake. A fake person doesn't cry their heart out and beg. I don't know what to do, anymore. I was going to try the "love dare" tomorrow, but is it worth it? Will he love me when it's over? I'm crying so hard I can't breathe and he's mocking my breaths right now. Please help me through this. He says he doesn't care what I have to say. I fucked it up. This night. I'm done. It CAN'T be done?! He just told me "fuck you and everything that has to do with you." I'm not even responding. I can't respond with nice words, so I can't say anything right now. He's just came and read over my shoulder and told me "so be it, I'm done." So I'm done. He doesn't care about me anymore. He never will again. Please, Lord, guide me. I will do anything you point me to. I will do anything to save this. I'm still trying the Love Dare tomorrow. He doesn't believe in you the way I do and I try to make him and I can't. Please help ME guide him to YOU. I know his life won't be complete without YOU. I've been trying to talk him into praying and going to church and he doesn't want to. I don't want to leave him, but I can't lead my life without You. Please guide me, Lord. Bring me in the right direction and I will follow. Bring peace to me at this hurtful moment in my life, and help me show my husband how much I truly do love him. Even when he doesn't think it.

In Jesus Name,

1 comment:

  1. Check your myspace love. Oh and I would love for you to send me the diaper. I'll give my address on myspace.